


A Fortuitous Collision

by Elayna



Category: Fake News RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Don't copy to another site, Gen, first time writing this category, mutual fanboying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:07:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23167456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elayna/pseuds/Elayna
Summary: John Oliver accidentally slams into Adam Driver, leading to an interesting conversation. Inspired by John's recent comments about Adam on his show. The comments are in the end notes. Time-wise, this happens a few days ago, before tonight's show.
Relationships: John Oliver & Adam Driver
Comments: 20
Kudos: 54





	A Fortuitous Collision

**Author's Note:**

  * For [barbana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbana/gifts).



> This is for Barbana, who dared me when I was joking around. Hugs to Seaward for the support and betaing. I fussed one last time before posting, so all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Disclaimer: John Oliver and Adam Driver are real people and beyond looking up that John was married and had kids, I make no pretense that this fic accurately represents them or their wives. It's true to the very little that I've read about them.

The impact was like slamming into a mountain, a very solid mountain that appeared unexpectedly in the hallway at the HBO studios. John staggered back, clenching his phone tightly, words of apology already forming on his lips. It was his fault, he'd been lost in random thoughts about possibilities for his show, while surfing on his phone, and walking all at the same time.

Besides, he was British. Apologies came naturally.

"I am so sorry, I wasn't watching—" John looked up and up as he spoke, his eyes finally reaching the mountain's face, and fuck if mountain wasn't precisely the appropriate word. "Mr. Driver!"

"Mr. Oliver. John." Adam Driver smiled genially, obviously less rocked back by the collision. "I can call you John, I hope."

Since John had called him a brooding mountain and rudely large man, among other less savory terms, letting Adam freaking 'Kylo Ren' Driver use his first name seemed like the least he could do. "Yes, of course, it's a pleasure to meet you." He started to offer his hand, and Adam began to take it, before they both hesitated, aware of the coronavirus and the advice not to touch people.

With another small smile, Adam pulled his hand back and offered a Vulcan salute. "It's a pleasure to meet you too."

John was strangely pleased to note that Adam's hand formed the Vulcan salute easily. No one did that on the first try, which meant Adam had practiced. He starred in _Star Wars_ and knew _Star Trek_ , could the man be more perfect? And clearly he knew who John was, recognizing him immediately. Though John had been a celebrity for many years, he still felt a visceral thrill at being recognized by a box office star who was already considered one of the greatest actors of his generation.

"I've been mentioning you on my show—oh, um." Words were John's livelihood, words, wit, a keen perceptiveness, and a love for intense research, but occasionally he did wish he could keep his mouth shut. 'Big unwashed buffalo' came to mind as something he didn't need to tell Adam.

"Yes, I know," Adam replied, seeming unperturbed. "As soon as I was on _Girls_ in only my underwear, people needed to tell me all sorts of things, really personal things. It surprised me at first, but I've gotten used to it." He shrugged his shoulders. "To have a connection to a celebrity, I guess. You must know what that's like."

"Mostly people think they have great ideas for segments on my show," John admitted, understanding instantly. No matter the time or place, or what he was doing, people would run into him and want to talk to him, to tell him their ideas, and they'd instantly tattle to social media that he was a jerk if he didn't listen. Imagining what random people might have wanted to share with someone first known for being mostly naked and having sex on their tv screen… "And sometimes they do. And sometimes—" it was his turn to shrug. "They don't."

"I didn't take 'unwashed buffalo' personally. I figured you know I bathe regularly."

Fuck. John winced, rubbing the bridge of his nose under his glasses, wondering how many people had texted, called, emailed, or stopped Adam in person to let him know that he was being called unclean on cable tv. And fuck, they were heading into a pandemic, he wasn't supposed to touch his face. "I am so sorry. Really, so very sorry."

"I did wonder why you didn't use Liam. If you wanted someone with a _Star Wars_ connection. He's taller."

Of all the reactions John might have expected, that wasn't one of them. "You don't really seem the type to compare heights with co-workers."

"We did a movie together so we ended up talking some. He's a great storyteller, he's got one about how much they had to adjust the sets after Lucas hired him for Qui-Gon. The tech guys hadn't expected such a tall actor. It was a little bit of a joke between us, that I was shorter."

John was a celebrity, he knew many celebrities, he'd long ago outgrown being awed by someone famous just because they'd been on the big screen, but—what he wouldn't give to have sat around a movie set and listened to Liam Neeson and Adam Driver chitchat about their experiences as Jedi and Sith. It was a fanboy's dream, and John had never quite outgrown his childhood obsessions. "Yes, I can see how that would have come up."

"So why not use Liam?"

"It really wasn't about using someone from the _Star Wars_ universe," John said cautiously. He had been somewhat rude about the man on tv for the sake of humor, he felt he owed him honesty.

"It wasn't?"

"No, it was really—all about you."

"About me?"

Strange. Adam looked confused. Maybe for all his success, he still hadn't fully grasped his own impact on people? Maybe if you'd always been tall or gorgeous, you wouldn't know anything different? Of course, Adam hadn't always been gorgeous. John had seen a few of his childhood pictures, when his nose and ears looked like they'd grown first, before the rest of his body caught up to them. Young Adam had perhaps looked even dorkier than John himself, which was a pretty impressive feat. "Yes, you." John waved his hands up and down in the air, toward Adam's body, trying to convey his meaning without words, but from Adam's blank look, not succeeding. "Your height, your hair, your look—do you get this at all?"

Adam grimaced, wrapping his arms over his chest, tucking his hands under his arms. "My body is just my tool for my art."

"But you understand," John said, speaking very slowly, because surely no one could be this incredibly unassuming, "that you're really very good-looking?"

Adam grimaced again, and what was it about attractive actors, that they looked appealing even when making unhappy faces? "Liam's really good-looking."

"Yes, Liam Neeson is indeed a very attractive man. My wife and the women in my office tell me he's incredibly hot even in his 60s. But _Phantom Menace_ was 21 years ago. Liam is not generating intense online discussions about Reylo and whether or not Ben Solo deserved better."

"Your wife?" Adam tilted his head, and John was beginning to understand why so many women in his life were fascinated by him. Not just his height and excellent body and lustrous hair, but especially his eyes and the way they showed so much emotion. Right now, they made John feel pinned, as if Adam was leaping on a fact John hadn't meant to reveal. "You talked about it with your wife? Does she believe Ben Solo deserved better?"

John winced, and had to rub the bridge of his nose again, momentarily hiding his face. Fuck, touching himself again. He needed to break this habit. He and the boys had loved _The Rise of Skywalker_ for the action, the characters, the way it made them want to cheer when the good guys won, everything that a _Star Wars_ movie should be, and that _The Last Jedi_ hadn't been. Unfortunately, the conversation afterwards with his wife had been disastrous. She had not appreciated his explaining how the death of Ben Solo paralleled other deaths in the _Star Wars_ canon, and so was completely logical and expected. Not. At. All.

"She may have a thing for your character, yes," John admitted, looking up to face Adam again. And up. Could Liam really be taller? "And the romance. The Reylo."

One corner of Adam's mouth curled with good humor, and his tone was definitely teasing when he said, "You don't need to tell me if she calls you Kylo Ren while role-playing."

John's brain may have shorted out. Was that really the kind of thing people told Adam? Even if they had seen him multiple times in his underwear, would anyone be so rude? He was British, he never would. Would his wife want— He squashed that direction of his thoughts and cleared his voice. "Anyway, yes, people know you and are interested in you. It made for a good topical joke."

Adam's mood seemed to shift again, and he looked away for a moment, his eyes getting dark and pensive. "I like that people are invested in the character and my work. It helps to keep directors willing to give me the kind of roles I want, the roles that challenge me. But I don't really understand it."

His eyes, fuck his eyes. John could almost see him thinking about his awkward teenage years. He'd probably shot up fast, towering over any girl he wanted to date, feeling uncoordinated and gawky. To suddenly be a mega-star, drooled over for his hotness, must be so disconcerting. Even if it was a problem that most people would dream about having. "I really am very sorry about the jokes. We didn't have one this week, and I promise—"

"Wait, no!" Sudden alarm crossed Adam's face. "No, you don't need to apologize. My wife thought they were hysterical. It's nice to see her laugh that much."

"You looked them up?" Easy to do, of course, John's shows were available on HBO and many individual clips ended up on the Internet. John hadn't expected Adam would bother, unless he wanted to hear exactly what had been said about him.

"No, we watch your show every week. I didn't need anyone to tell me about it. Those deep dives are amazing. Joanne cracked up and made me back up to rewatch."

John knew intellectually that millions of people watched his show, including many politicians and other famous people, but the thought of the Drivers curling up on their couch every week gave him a warm glow. He felt himself beaming with pleasure.

A faint red appeared on Adam's cheeks, was he blushing? "She thought 'fuckable redwood' really hysterical and—um, quite accurate." Adam cleared his voice, continuing before John could decide if he should apologize again. "In fact, if you do one of the segments with actors and need me for something, just let me know. I'll be there."

His wife was going to die to hear what Adam's wife thought of that phrase, especially considering it was her favorite from his riffs on Adam. "You'd be on my show?"

"In a heartbeat. I'll let my agent know that you're on my list. Just have HBO call them to schedule if you come up with something."

"Your… list?"

The corner of Adam's lips curled again in that little smile that said he was very amused. "My list of people I want to work with. My agent knows to respond positively if she's ever contacted."

"Yes, yes, of course." Why would John think it would be any other kind of list? If Adam and his wife had a list of people that they could cheat with, he wouldn't give it to his agent, nor would John be on it. Not that John wanted to be on it. Nope. Of course not. Right? "I will definitely think about that."

"Well." Adam glanced at his watch, which surprisingly was an actual watch, a very nice one with a wide black band, and not a fitness tracker. "I should get going. I'm glad we ran into each other."

"Yes, me too, definitely. It's been a pleasure meeting you." They did that awkward thing again, moving to shake hands, then giving small laughs and raising their hands in the Vulcan salute, before continuing in the opposite directions.

John paused, half turning to watch Adam walk away, his stride long, his movement effortless. Referencing the man on his show had just seemed like a good joke, topical humor about a subject on many people's minds, and had made his wife laugh, which had the extra benefit of making her less annoyed at his lack of angst over Ben Solo's fate. He'd never thought it would lead to knowing that Adam Driver had an undeniable presence and a quiet charisma, was intensely honest and self-effacing, and also watched his show, and would be willing to act in any role that John wrote for him.

Sometimes it was very good to be him.

John started walking again, this time too preoccupied to look at his phone, his mind roaming happily with so many wonderful possibilities. How to use Adam Driver, how?

~ the end ~

**Author's Note:**

> From Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, two weeks ago: 
> 
> While discussing the Prime Minister of India walking out of an interview - 
> 
> "That kind of behavior is reserved for Adam Driver, in an NPR interview about Marriage Story, and that is only because Adam Driver can do whatever the fuck he wants. Step on my throat, Adam Driver, you rudely large man. Break my fingers, you brooding mountain." 
> 
> Last week: 
> 
> While discussing the coronavirus - 
> 
> "There's only one infectious disease that 2/3rds of the world should be getting, right now, and that's Adam Driver fever. Shatter my knees, you fuckable redwood. Snap off my toes, you big unwashed buffalo."


End file.
